Captain Blue Steel (II) + Occam's Razor
Because that first post, with the "and then he drove off into the sunset" ending, well...that's not how things ended.
I almost wish I could say that we both let each other go after that airport phone call.
Almost.
(Only almost because frankly, the continuation of the story is quite entertaining so I don't mind the fact that it, you know, continued. Hmm. Ok. That's not entirely truthful. As much as Captain Blue Steel's parched heart was soaking in the warmth and attention I was throwing his way, my heart which was equally parched in different ways was soaking up the warmth and attention he was volleying back. I'm not sorry for the continuation of the story after we parted ways, although the emotional shrapnel it appears to have caused is something that I do feel sorry about.)
I'm sharing below the texts he and I exchanged after we parted ways at the airport, after that last phone call. I felt that this was the only way to accurately convey what happened as well as the tone of the conversation, because me summarizing and re-telling you as the reader that he said this, or I said that, well it has the filter of my interpretation around it.
Better for you make up your own minds.
Monday, May 27
1:58 PM: "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take out breath away."
You took my breath away in the best possible way.
Thank you.
I miss you already.
2:02: Thank you again. You are a wonderful woman.
7:02 PM: My dog. Lol (picture of his dog attached.)
(Wait, why is he sending me a picture of his dog? Oh. Right. Someone who isn't used to having a safe space within which to share their feelings has a hard time doing so. Again, just like with the phone call, this was his way of reaching out to say "I'm thinking about you" without saying it.)
7:11: Oh Geez. He looks as tired as I think we feel.
My living room (picture of my living room attached.)
I'm just sitting down for a bite. Just got home.
7:16: I love the sayings you have on the wall.
7:17: Me too. It keeps me inspired. And reminds me to inspire the world.
7:56: Love it.
Tuesday, May 28
8:49 AM: I went for a run today and was picturing you.
I suddenly felt very calm.
8:50: I'm glad. You've left me with so many positive and happy feelings that I'm glad to know I've done the same for you.
Reciprocity is...magic.
9:05: I guess magic is real.
6:36 PM: Hello. :)
What you're personal e-mail address?
6:37: Hey. It's BlueMelSteel@gmail.com
6:38: Mel?
6:38: When I was setting up the account with Telus, I tried every variation of my name I could think of without having to use some kind of number system.
Everything was taken so finally, I just used the name of the customer service rep helping me.
Lol.
6:39: Really??
Hahaha.
That's awesome.
I like you.
6:39: I like you too.
6:39: Can I make a confession?
Well? Can I?
6:40: Oh sure.
6:41: Hahaha. You make me laugh. That wasn't the confession though, since you knew that.
6:41: I was going to say that seemed already out in the open.
6:41: Right?? ;)
6:42: Let me guess...you used to be a man?
6:42: Listen, my boobs are real.
6:43: Hahahaha.
6:44: Alright, my confession. It's that it's taking an awful lot of willpower to let go. I feel as though I'm supposed to, I don't know why. Ok, well I do. You have someone. So that's why. So I guess just take it as a compliment.
6:46: I do. I feel privileged.
6:46: You reminded me of how it can feel. You set a new bar.
When I go out and date, I'm going to ask myself "Am I getting the same butterflies that I got with Captain Blue Steel?"
"Is he looking at me that way, holding me that way, making me feel like I'm the only woman in the room? Do I get to make him feel those things too?"
Because if it's not that, then it's a non-starter.
Sometimes, 24-hours can really change things...
6:48: If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you.
I still have a very clear picture of your face...your smile.
Your laugh and touch.
6:50: Good. Remember what I said. You deserve that.
It really can be that good.
6:50: It certainly was with you.
6:50: And that simple.
I'm sending you a hug.
6:52: I can almost feel it.
So great.
6:53: Yes. It really was.
Thank you.
6:54: And I thank you.
Wednesday, May 29
We didn't text.
I e-mailed him from work, about a work thing. (FEDEX had failed to pick-up the packages with our event supplies for shipment back to Ottawa, and I needed a point of contact at the event location.)
I asked him for the name of a person I could call. He provided me with the information.
I wrote "Awesome, thanks."
He wrote "It was my very great pleasure."
Thursday, May 30
7:34 AM: I was happy to hear from you yesterday, even if it was for work. Lol
7:35: Can I make a confession? (Again.)
I was happy to have an excuse to reach out to you even if it was for work.
7:44: Hahaha. I am starting to feel like your priest with all these confessions.
7:45: Heaven forbid. Because then my fantasies would be blasphemous.
7:46: Fair Enough. I was thinking about you all morning.
7:47: Should I ask what those thoughts were or are they best kept to yourself?
7:47: Hahaha. Well they involved your ass if that helps. Nothing crude of course.
7:48: Hahaha.Well my thoughts of you also involved my ass.
7:48: Lol
7:48: And other things.Your eyes.Your smile.
7:48: Funny. I was also thinking of yours.
7:48: What a nice coincidence.
7:49: Right?!?Funny how the universe works.
7:49: It is. But it's also awesome.I am writing about you.When I'm done, would you like me to send you what I've written?
7:50: I would. I am honoured.
7:51: Well the compliment is warranted. You touched me in many ways.
7:51: I remember. Lol.
7:51: Yeah yeah yeah.Dirty mind.Love it.
7:51: I know what you mean.You are such a remarkable woman.
7:52: Thank you.
But you're a special man for seeing it, and I wouldn't have shared as much of myself as I did if you weren't who you were.
You don't give yourself enough credit.
I know that for sure.
I hope those 24-hours gave you a new perspective of yourself.
7:53: You wouldn't think I had a modest streak, would you?
7:54: Nah.
That's not modesty.
That's not seeing your own awesomeness.
But I saw it. See it. And will remind you of it as much as you allow me.
7:55: Lol. You make that sound great.
7:55: Why wouldn't it be? :)
Magic baby! Remember the magic.
And don't hide behind your LOL's
7:56: Ok.
7:56: Thank you.
I already told you, safe space with me. I will never judge you for your feelings so you don't need to undermine them with jokes.
7:57: Ok, Well now that my head is swollen, time to get back to the fake me for a while.
7:57: Alright, you have a beautiful day.
7:58: You too. You will stay in my thoughts all day.
VOICEMAIL
2:19 PM: Hey, it's Blue.Umm, can you do me a favour and take some screen shots of like, some texts between us and send them to me so that I can show my girlfriend that there's nothing going on between us? (Slight quiver in his voice.)
She saw one and it made her upset and I want to be able to show her that there's nothing there that she needs to worry about.
Can you please send those to me at some point today?
Thanks, talk to you later.
Umm... Do you really believe that? Because, please, please be honest with yourself about what happened in those 24-hours. You know that the reason - THE ONLY REASON - that we didn't sleep together was me, not you. Right up until the last minute, when you tried to kiss me good-bye before we parted ways, it was me saying no.
Although physically, nothing happened between us, we had - what could I call it? - an emotional fling.
Signs of Emotional Infidelity
- IF YOUR PARTNER WAS WATCHING YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING AND HE/SHE WOULD GET UPSET
- IF YOU GO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP TO FILL A VOID BECAUSE YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY DISCONNECTED AND UNFULFILLED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
- IF THE VERBAL OR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY YOU HAVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT EXCLUSIVE.
If I was your girlfriend and I saw the those texts? I wouldn't be happy. And I would most definitely be worried.
(So honestly - WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT - WTF?)
When you were with me, it was clear that she was miles away for you.
And when you were with her, I was miles away for you.
Only I wasn't though, was I?
Because you texted me.
After we spoke on the phone, while I was still at the airport, I was ready to let you go then. I would not have reached out. (Alright, I would have in order to send you that piece of writing I had promised you, which is why I asked for your personal e-mail address.) Because although I am free and single, you are not, and I would not have pushed that boundary.
But then later that same day, Monday, you reached out to me and sent a picture of your dog. I know that was you not wanting to let go, trying keep the lines of communication open. (Because what other reason would there be? Did you really believe I needed to see a picture of your dog?)
And then you reached out again Tuesday morning.
And I reached out Tuesday night.
Both of us guilty of not wanting to let go.
Wednesday, we both exercised self-restraint.
But...there were those work e-mails. It was your "very great pleasure" to help me, as it was my "very great pleasure" to hear from you.
And then it was you - again - who reached out on Thursday morning.
Why at that point?
You could have let it go. We had said the 'final' thank you's about our experience together on Tuesday night. And then on Wednesday we wrapped up the work part.
Were you testing? Because I hadn't been in touch personally since Tuesday night, there was a part of you that was maybe secretly afraid of 'losing me' - of losing that contact with the little bit of magic that according to you, you didn't have in your life?
You were worried that I was going to walk away, so you reached out. You tested the waters. You hooked me back in
And then I - who should probably have ignored your texts - responded and hooked you back in too.
Because you know what the truth is about our 24-hours together? You want to know what really happened? And why?
It was two people with very dry, parched hearts coming together and pouring a little bit of water onto one another's cracked earth, with each not wanting to let go of their respective watering cans now that they had found them.
I don't know what you've been through in your life Captain Blue Steel. I don't know where that deep longing was coming from. Longing of the heart to be loved, and longing of the body to be held. Because when you put your arms around me and hugged me, you were clinging to me as though you were drowning in the ocean and I was your life raft.
It didn't feel like a sexual touch. It was a touch that longed to fill a void.
Can I make a confession? (Yes, another one.)
I saw that void in you because it's also in me.
My heart has been empty too. My heart longs to love - openly, freely, authentically, honestly.
I think all of our hearts do. If we are human (and I think most of us are) then we all long to be loved for who we are, and we all want to be able to share the love that we have with another. We all long for that feeling of UNISON.
But I've spent most of my life having my gentle heart stomped on, rejected, ridiculed. Certainly not loved, not validated, not reciprocated.
Because of the abuse in my childhood, I didn't think I had worth. So I chose people - especially men - who validated that view I had of myself, and who treated me the way my father did: as someone unworthy of love and consideration.
So when you came along, I clung onto you as tightly as you did to me because for a moment in time, you too were my life raft.
Before you brought me to the airport, we went to a park, took a walk, and then sat down on a bench, side by side. And you wrapped yourself around me, and I around you, in such a way that I didn't know where I ended and you began.
Two people who knew they were about to part ways, who knew that they might never see one another again, but with neither being able to deny the fact that something very real had passed between them.
Whatever those people had in that moment, it was something that wasn't on offer in the rest of their respective lives, and so they were each trying to soak it in.
That moment, on the park bench, I said to you: "I wish we could bottle feelings. Because I know there will be moments in the future when I will wish more than anything to be able to relive these moments with you. And if I had them in a bottle, I could just pour a little bit out, and feel this happy again."
Those moments when we look at somebody for the first time, when our eyes meet and it's just us and them? Those moments are rare.
We had that, you and me, that day in the hotel.
You said to me "You light up a room. As soon as you walked in, there was no one else in that lobby."
Exactly.
Were there people around us? Was there music? Because once I laid eyes on you, the whole world fell away.
These moments are rare. And when we find them, shouldn't we hold onto them, somehow?
Alas, it takes two to tango.
I've spent my life offering to make massive effort for men who wouldn't lift a finger for me.
But that ends now.
"Hi - yeah I don't understand why you need me to send screenshots. Why don't you just show her the texts you have?"
"Because I deleted everything."
That hurt.
I understand that this makes me foolish and naive, but feelings are feelings, and we can't argue them away.
I take people at face value. I am open and honest about what I think and feel (almost to a fault) and I always assume other people are doing the same thing. But they're generally not though, are they?
This is something that continues to surprise me and disappoint me; how desperately frightened the world is to be open and authentic.
Scratch that last part.
Something that continues to surprise me and disappoint me is how desperately frightened the world is.
The whole world is just so...scared...of everything.
The part where he jokes about my ass, or how he's thinking about me and my smile, or maybe the part where he's telling me what an incredible woman I am?
Which part of our text exchange would make any girlfriend not worry?
Or should I say, which part of our text exchange best supports the lie that he seemed to be in the process of telling, both to himself and to her?
Thursday, May 30 (continued)
2:39 PM: Hope that helps. (I attached the text where I asked him for his e-mail address.)
2:41: Can you send me a few more?
I am so sorry. I swear I feel like I am under a microscope all the time.
2:43: That's not a good feeling at all. I'm very sorry.
I only kept the text with your e-mail address.
I don't have anything else.
2:56: Ok. Thanks.
2:57: I'm sorry. That's actually a lie.
I haven't deleted a single text.
But there isn't one that isn't...inflammatory.
Would only hurt your case.
2:58: K
Anything with "hahaha"s or "lol"s?
It's not like she hasn't seen anything that helps.
3:05: Your Lols are not helpful. (I sent him screenshots of the Thursday morning conversation.)
Nothing happened between us physically.
Emotionally? Different story.
3:35: I tried explaining that.
4:05: I don't know what to tell you.
Except the truth as I see it.
Now is the time for you to decide to fight for her, if you know she's the woman for you.
And if not, then now is the right time to let go.
I'm sorry. It's not easy. It's just honest.
I do wish the best for you both, whatever that turns out to be.
It's never my intention to cause anything but happiness around me.
If I did in any way, I am sorry.
Hmm.
But why Captain Blue Steel? That's the million-dollar question isn't it? WHY? Why would your girlfriend make you feel like you're under a microscope all the time?
Before I go on, can we all agree on one thing here? That no sane, rational woman scrutinizes a man's behaviour just for shits and giggles? Does everyone agree on this? (I'm assuming that if you're still reading, you agree with me.)
So then there are two possible answers here to the big question of WHY?
- His girlfriend is actually insane. Totally certifiable, ready for the nuthouse, full on crayon-eating, glue-sniffing, cray-cray.
- He has given her reasons before to suspect his actions.
It's a man who is gaslighting her that makes a woman feel crazy, and then act accordingly.
Women's intuition is a force to be reckoned with. When we feel we know something on that deeper level, we're like a dog with a bone - DO NOT MESS WITH US.
If we suspect you're up to something, and we ask you, and you turn around and make us feel horrible for even thinking that you could do such a thing...well...if and when it turns out you were lying to us, you better run fast boy because we will hunt you down like the dog you are in that moment.
So then which is it Captain Blue Steel? Is your girlfriend nuts, or are your pants on fire 'cuz you're a liar?
And while we're at it, I've got two more questions for the happy couple:
To Captain Blue Steel's Girlfriend:
IF YOU CONSISTENTLY NEED TO PUT YOUR MAN UNDER A MICROSCOPE, WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?
To Captain Blue Steel:
IF YOU'RE READY TO FALL THAT FAST INTO ANOTHER WOMAN'S ARMS, WHY ARE YOU WITH HER?
I guess if I had to consider a third answer to the question of "why?" it would be not that she's crazy, but just painfully insecure and badly damaged. Captain Blue Steel said that the reason she had told him that she couldn't be emotionally close to him - to truly be intimate - was because of her past bad experiences with men.
So maybe other men have cheated on her, and now she's scrutinizing Captain Blue Steel because of their behaviour, not his. Making him pay for what others did.
In which case she has no business being in a relationship with anyone until she sorts herself out.
Then again... He did try to kiss me. I guess I'm never going to find out the answer to any of these questions. But it sure is fun to wonder and analyze.
If another girl can take your man...she's doing you a favour.
- instagram@phuckyoquote
Friday, May 31
8:02 AM: No I am sorry.
8:02: Why?
8:03: I ruin everything all the time.
8:04: I don't believe that's true.
8:04: It is.
8:04: You're being very hard on yourself.
8:04: Somehow I always do.
8:04: Cut yourself some slack.
8:04: In everything.
8:05: If it's true, then the question is: Why? What is that hiding? Every repeated action has something behind it.
All I know is that I regret nothing. I'm very sorry you're now having difficulties at home. I certainly do not wish anything but good for you. But that moment in time that we shared was real and beautiful, and it touched my heart.
So I can't regret it.
Or say that you "ruined" anything.
I saw you.
You let me in.
I saw into those beautiful blue eyes, and that deep soul of yours.
You're not ruining anything.
If I may offer an observation?
I know I don't know you, yet I saw your soul.
What I saw was a man with many deep longings. Yearnings.
For love.
For connection.
For authenticity.
For the space to be himself.
To be seen, to be heard, to know that he matters.
The deep longing of our hearts can make us do funny things sometimes.
So I say again: you're not a bad person. You didn't ruin anything.
Anything that is REAL and TRUE and DEEP and HONEST cannot be broken.
You're just a man who's ignored his heart for a long time.
Maybe you should stop ignoring it. Stop ignoring what you want and need.
Sometimes we say we don't need things because we think we can't get them or that they don't exist.
And when it turns out they do, then life looks different.
I cannot regret what happened, I only regret that it has caused pain in your life.
I hope you're alright. If you want to talk, I am here, but I won't reach out because I don't want to cause any upset.
8:21: It was real to me too. Thank you.Thank you. I really appreciate it.
8:23: Anytime.
3:15 PM: I'm almost done the piece of writing I told you about. At this point, do you prefer not to read it, or shall I go ahead and send it when it's done?
3:29: Send it. Definitely.
3:38: Noted.
As it turns out, the piece took me longer to write than I thought. I finally finished it and sent it that Sunday.
I haven't heard from him since.
What was true? What was a lie? What was actually happening in this fractured little Maritime fairytale between Captain Blue Steel and his lady friend?
When we have questions like these, thank goodness for Facebook and lax privacy settings.
(Why the FBI or the CIA doesn't hire more women is beyond me, because honestly, if you want to find something out that nobody wants anybody to know, put a woman on the case.)
DISCLAIMER: I want to acknowledge the fact that in the writing which follows, I'm either going to come off sounding like an absolute genius in deductive reasoning, or a psycho. I'm willing to roll the dice. (Also, don't pretend you've NEVER done the same thing - I just have the lady balls to admit it.)
I did a name search first.
Hmm. No Captain Blue Steel.
Name + location = BINGO.
It wasn't a personal page, but a business page which was obviously defunct, but had not been taken down.
Now he had said he was with his girlfriend for two years, and the business page was created in 2017, so two years ago.
If the timeline was correct, and if she was a supportive new girlfriend (is there really any other type?) she would have "liked" something on that page. It was obviously a very short lived business venture, because there were few posts, and even fewer likes.
Piece of cake; somewhere in the "likes," I was going to find her. I told a friend about my detective work and he asked "So how many people did you have to click on before you found her?"
Only one. I looked at three posts. The latest one had only two likes, and only one name was female.
"Hmm. I think you might be who I'm looking for. Let's take a look at your photos."
Click. Click. Click.
And voila. There was Captain Blue Steel in a Christmas onesie with the same furry mutt he had sent me a picture of. (I can appreciate a man who doesn't take himself so seriously that he's not above putting on a fleecy tunic covered in Christmas trees.)
 |
| I'm hot. I'm badass. I'm modeling a onesie. |
And of course he's commented on some of her posts, so now I'm on his personal profile page which I couldn't find because he had made a slight alteration to his name (Ã la 'Blue Mel Steel' since his name was so common).
A search of his friends for other 'Steels' revealed his daughter. And turns out Daughter #1 is friends with Daughter #2 (shocker). Interesting however that, unlike Daughter #1, Daugher #2 is NOT friends with dad. And Daughter #1 recently graduated and another 'Steel' proudly posted a photo of the occasion. The comments revealed that this was his ex-wife. (Daughter #1 commented "My beautiful mom.")
Thirty minutes on Facebook. No one needs to hire a private investigator anymore, this shit is too easy. (I'm not under the impression that I'm immune to this by the way - I'm working on the assumption that we all have our kimonos open online, myself included.)
In December 2018 (why that's a mere 5 months ago) she captioned a photo of Captain Blue Steel (who was stringing Christmas lights sans onesie) #livingwithcrazy.
Now she was either trying to be cute by finding an adorable hashtag with which to caption the photo, or - I know this is going to sound far-fetched but stay with me here - they might actually be living together.
(WHAT?! Nooo...! I've never heard of a man lying about his relationship status to try to get a woman in bed, have you? Insert winkey face emoji, face palm emoji, eye roll emoji.)
TANGENT: Have you ever heard of Occam's razor?
Occam's razor is a principle from philosophy. Suppose there exist two explanations for an occurrence. In this case the one that requires the least speculation is usually correct. Another way of saying it is that the more assumptions you have to make, the more unlikely an explanation.
Let me give you a real life example of Occam's razor.
Last week, I was having trouble with my car windows. Although the driver's side window worked, the other three wouldn't budge, and this was irritating because the passenger's side window was slightly open.
I was especially irritated because I had just taken my car to the mechanic about a month ago for a "check-up" and everything had been fine then, so what gives now?
I went to get my oil changed and asked the guy at the garage about it.
"Oh it's probably something electrical. You're going to need to go to the mechanic, and they'll take the door panel off and then they'll have to replace the (insert name of car part, blah, blah, blah).
Aww hell. That sounded expensive.
I went on Youtube next. Man, even if I thought I could get the door panel off myself, and find the insert name of car part, blah, blah, blah, I didn't have the right tools.
Ugh. What a hassle.
I talked to one of my friends about it. She said "Well the roads in Ottawa are pretty bumpy, so it could very well be a loose wire."
Double ugh. All signs pointed to me needing to go back to the mechanic.
That meant driving the car there, leaving it, Ubering home, waiting for the call regarding whatever the repair was going to be so that I could give the go ahead on the work, then waiting for it to be fixed, then Ubering back, and finally paying for all the fun and games.
What a HASSLE.
But, that was the plan. I talked to my friend on Saturday, so Monday I was going to take the car to the mechanic.
While I was in the car on the way to the gym though, a little voice in my head whispered "Look at the buttons on the driver's side door."
I looked.
Hmm. What was that button for? It had a picture of a square looking thing, and some arrows - one going up, and one going down - and there was an X across it.
It was pushed down.
So I prodded it and it popped back up.
The little voice said "Now check your windows." (The voices in my head, more often than not, are very helpful.)
They worked! Oh my GAWD it was a miracle!
So apparently there's a window lock button that stops all the windows except for the driver's side from going up or down. Who knew? (Probably everyone except me. That's ok, you can laugh.)
Occam's razor = It's not an electric problem. It's not a broken part that needs to be replaced. It's not a loose wire. At some point when I was trying to close the windows, I had just pushed the wrong button and locked the windows instead.
The explanation that requires the least speculation is usually correct.
How often do we come up with crazy scenarios in our minds? We're so convinced that some wild, outlandish fantasy is actually more plausible than something which is painfully simple.
By the time our friend returns the call, we're mad at her because she is just such a ...selfish non-cheesecake-sharing bitch!
First words out of her mouth: "Sorry I didn't return your call earlier, I forgot my charger at home and my battery died by the time I got to the office."
"Wait. So you're not mad about the cheesecake?"
Occam's razor. The explanation that requires the least speculation is usually correct.
Closely related (and sometimes used interchangeably) to Occam's razor is the Law of Parsimony which states that the "simplest explanation is usually the correct one."
To summarize:
- Don't speculate
- Keep it simple
TANGENT: At this point, I realize that you might be asking yourselves: Why does she even care? Why is she thinking about this so much?
Because people fascinate me. I am obsessed with understanding motivation behind actions, my own included. Why do I do what I do? Why do people do what they do?
The reason for this obsession is to be able to understand behaviour in such a way that I can explain it in order to change it.
We cannot change what we do not own.
- Aaron Doughty
And we cannot own what we do not know. So step one is awareness. Always.
Ok, but why am I so obsessed with changing behaviour? Because I spent the better part of my life being told how broken and inadequate I was. And then I spent a lot of time trying to white-knuckle my way into behaving differently in every area of my life. It never worked.
Until I finally figured out that the only way we can change what we do, is by changing who we tell ourselves that we are because we will never take consistent action that is out of alignment with the identities we have created. And we can only change our inner dialogue in order to change our identities when we are aware of what it is and why it exists in the first place.
One of my friends and I spend HOURS (H-O-U-R-S) on the phone analyzing together. (Where is that coming from? What is the trigger there? What childhood wound is that about? Who's voice is that making you feel guilty, obligated, etc?) This is where our minds live, and we hang out in that space together a lot.
I've been trying to analyze and crack the secret to relationships my whole life because I've never been in one for very long.
I won't go back into my entire dating history - that would be a very long story filled with a motley crew of gypsies, tramps, and thieves.
Let me just go over the last five years:
2014 - 3 months - The Country Bumpkin who put tin foil around his electrical devices to prevent the aliens from communicating with him. (Yes, really.) He was a new low for me. (Aside from the whole tin foil thing, he'd also never heard the term "manscape" - so GROSS. It was like going down on a gorilla.)
2015 - Not applicable
2016 - 3 months + 3 weeks (there was a brief reunion) - The Narcissist who gave me an apron for Christmas. (In all fairness, it is the nicest apron I've ever seen. Beige linen with gold stripes and adjustable straps. I've never bought myself an apron - I just cook in whatever I'm wearing and buy industrial sized bottles of Shout for the inevitable grease stains.)
2017 - Not applicable
2018 - 2 weeks - The Sleaziest Guy I've Ever Dated. (And suddenly, I hit a new rock bottom.) He hit on the waitress during our first date only I didn't catch onto that right away because sometimes, I'm like Bambi.
2019 - 2 months - The Man From the Plane. It was nice for a brief moment in time, but ultimately, he turned out to be another Narcissist.
You know what I always thought? I always thought that the whole world was with their soul mates. That somehow, all the people I saw together in relationships, they had beaten the odds and found one another in this sea of souls. And although there might be some challenging days, they loved one another so much, and were so committed to one another and their relationship, that they managed to support one another through it all.
Every time I saw a couple, that's what I assumed they had.
Why?
Because it never occurred to me personally to stay with someone who I didn't have that with.
Why? Because relationships take effort, and time, and energy, and we need to make compromises, and sacrifices, so why would ANYONE want to do all that for someone who they weren't convinced was the absolute best thing ever? Who they didn't know - beyond any doubt - made their lives so much better just for being there?
I've discovered to my great horror that people's fears of being alone override all of that. That people would rather suffer a life by the side of the wrong person, than simply be alone and come face to face with themselves. I am shocked and appalled. To be clear, this is not a judgment, it's my personal call to action to help people find the tools to find themselves so that they can be with themselves and not need to settle for a life shared with the wrong person simply out of fear and desperation.
What I see - what I UNDERSTAND - when I look at couples now is that it's the home version of The Emperor's New Clothes.
The Emperor's New Clothes is a tale about two weavers who promise an emperor a new suit of clothes that they say is invisible to those who are stupid, or incompetent – while in reality, they make no clothes at all, making everyone believe the clothes are invisible to them. When the emperor parades before his subjects in his new "clothes" [naked], no one dares to say that they do not see any suit of clothes on him for fear that they will be seen as stupid. Finally a child cries out, "But he isn't wearing anything at all!"
For the most part, in many relationships, there's very little actual substance - THERE'S NOTHING THERE - and people are running around naked and confused.
(Now the naked part can be fun, but the confusion not so much.)
No one is willing to admit that it's not all that it's cracked up to be because everyone else is smiling and nodding their heads and saying "Oh yeah, this is great, you should try it." No one wants to be seen as stupid for pointing out the obvious.
I call bullshit.
And so does Daniel Sloss.
"There are 7.5 billion people on this planet and you found your soulmate 20 miles from where you live? Seems like a bit of a co-inky-dink to me!
I'm not saying it's impossible to find love. All I'm saying is that statistically, you have not. From the bottom of my heart, I believe that 80% of relationships in the world, and therefore this room, are horseshit. A bunch of people who never took the time to learn how to be alone, therefore never learned how to love themselves, so they employed someone else to do it. Prove me wrong. If you want proof of how bullshit most relationships are, look how people desperately seek advice. "What's the secret to a happy relationship? What's the secret to a long and successful relationship?"
Here it is, gather around, come on. Fucking nothing. It should be as easy as breathing. You should be nothing without them and everything with them. If it gets difficult at any point, get out, 'cause there's 7.5 billion people on the planet. You'll find a new one...
Time does not equal success. You can spend five or more years with someone, and only then, after all the fun you had, be looking at the jigsaw and realize you're both working towards very different images; only then realize that you want different things. And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself:
One. Do I admit the last five years of my life have been a waste?
Two. Do I waste the rest of my life?
Because the worst thing you can do with your life is to spend it with the wrong human being."
MY GREAT REVELATION (which dawned in the last year): most of the world is settling.
THE GREAT REVELATION came because of a good friend and his four-year year relationship which ended last year, where he lamented the fact that he had spent so much time with someone who he knew wasn't right for him from the start.
This friend has given me such an incredibly hard time about my short-lived relationships. I thought that he had it all figured out, because he went from one relationship to the next and they always lasted at least a couple of years. I just assumed he had a whole string of soulmates. (Hahahahahhahhaha. No really, that's what I actually thought.)
He even got angry at me at one point and said "Until you've been in a relationship for longer than 6 months, I don't even want to hear about it."
Fuck that hurt.
And boy did it make me feel inadequate, and broken, and damaged.
How come my friend, who was younger than me, had figured it all out and I hadn't?
And then: THE GREAT REVELATION. He had no idea what he was doing either. He was settling a lot of the time, just to avoid being alone. Like most of the rest of the world.
It's easy not to be single when we're settling, isn't it? It only becomes more difficult when we start having standards.
The love I'm holding out for is the one I described above; where we beat the odds and find one another in this sea of souls. And although there might be some challenging days, we love one another so much, and we are so committed to one another and our relationship, that we manage to support each other through it all. That's the kind of love I'm holding out for.
"Gee Jasmin, that's a tall order. You might be single forever!"
That's what I hear from people when I tell them what I'm looking for.
My responses to that:
- Off you fucking fuck with your negative and limiting beliefs - I'm not taking those on.
- You are welcome to settle - but I will not.
- I'm 100% ok with staying single until the end of my days if I do not find that kind of love. Because anything that isn't that kind of love is at best, a temporary distraction, and at worst, a trifecta of the painful H's: Hassle / Headache / Heartache.
So. I sent him an e-mail that Sunday, and I haven't heard back since.
And I wouldn't have reached out again except for his girlfriend's Instagram page.
(I swear to GAWD if there is anyone who pays for a private investigator in 2019 - WHY?)
I think if he had responded in some manner, I might not have been tempted to start digging again. But he didn't, and I was kind of curious to find out what was going on.
It wasn't her personal page, it was a business page for some multi-level marketing company that she was involved with. (A Google search of her name brought up her Twitter, and then Twitter led to Instagram. WE ALL HAVE OUR KIMONOS OPEN ONLINE. P.S. - My investigative services are available for hire.)
The page was mostly product-based, but she had some posts of her kids, a few inspirational quotes, and a few of Captain Blue Steel.
March had eleven posts. They had gone on vacation together in March. March had obviously been a good month. But April only had one. Hmm. And May only had one. And that post was fairly interesting.
Friday, May 31, they day after his phone call to me, she posted this inspirational meme:
It could be a wild coincidence; perhaps she had a terrible fight with a friend and has now decided to end that friendship. Or maybe somebody died?
Or...Occam's Razor. What's the explanation which requires us to make the least amount of assumptions?
It seems likely that they parted ways.
I sent him a text when I saw that (it was one week after the phone call) asking "How are you?" I saw that it was read, but there was no response.
One of two things happened:
- They did break-up and he's licking his wounds alone, man style. However once he recovers, and because of our shared experience, he will go out into the world and he won't settle for less than what he wants: a woman who can give him the intimacy he craves, which he told me he was looking for, which he said that his girlfriend told him she couldn't give him because of her past experiences. And hopefully she will take the time to heal the wounds of her past so that the next man who comes into her life, she can allow to get close to her heart.
- She took him back, with the stipulation of that reunion being that contact with me was strictly verboten (obviously).
So while it does seem likely that they parted ways, I won't take responsibility for that. It takes two to tango and he was right there dancing beside me.
What I will own and say about myself: If I'm in your life, shit's gonna get real.
And I'm going to go so far as to say: I am a catalyst.
I make people uncomfortable, because I have a tendency to hone in on the closet door at the very back of the attic, fling it open, stick my head inside and say "And now what have we got here?"
If you aren't ready to look at your shit, don't come talk to me. I will find your door.
("What about your doors Jasmin?" Why, they're all over this blog, thrown wide open for the world to see.)
I believe that our time together was an answer to prayers, whether conscious or unconscious, that we each had made.
How do I know that?
Because when we have experiences that are so swift, intense, and impactful, it's because they were called into existence by both (all) souls involved.
What we seek is seeking us.
- It allowed me to better understand why I am who I am, and how being who I am is going to help me add value to the world. (Like the question he asked "Is there anything you're not good at?" and the ensuing reflections which gave me very clear answers.)
- It validated the ways in which I thought I needed to show up for the world. (I read him a few of my blog posts, and he said "You're a great writer. I could listen to you read all day. I love your voice and the way you speak. Whether you're talking about A/V or events or whatever it is. I knew when I heard your voice on the phone that I had to meet you." I already knew I was going to keep writing but I have long toyed with the idea of reading my writing on camera. I didn't think anyone would want to listen. The Universe told me through him that I was wrong about that.)
- I received further information about what I want and need from the man in my life - both because of who Captain Blue Steel was, and who he wasn't.
Ultimately, that's what every single experience and relationship gives us - information. It's all just information and we can use it any way we choose to.
I will admit that I'm intensely curious about what our experience gave him. But that’s not mine, that’s his. And, maybe hers to. How do I know that what happened between us wasn’t an answer to one of her prayers too? A silent question her heart was asking?
Think about it: what if he was being truthful and they actually were at a crossroads of deciding whether to break-up or move in together. If that was true, then wouldn’t this clearly have answered the question for both of them?
The Universe works in mysterious ways. We think our experiences are all about us - we're very self-centred that way, it's human nature. But all of our lives are interwoven into a giant tapestry and so what one does affects all of us in some way.
The time he and I spent together likely affected many people. If because of this, they didn't move in together, think about how their lives will be different and potentially better. Yes, there might be heartache for both of them right now. But what about the potential future heartache that they might be being saved from? How much worse would it be to end things with someone once you have moved in together, and have been living together for any amount of time? And what about the future happiness that now has the space to enter their lives?
We never know why things happen. We can only trust that there is a reason, even though we might not see it at the time.
In the process of this writing, I've looked at his pictures often. Looking at his face still makes me smile and makes me almost as happy as those moments when I was with him. Yeah, in spite of everything. Even though things got a little messy there at the end, it doesn't change that moment in time. Those pictures I took with my mental camera, they're still there and nothing is different just because of how things turned out.
We do that though. We will dismiss an entire experience after the fact even though for a moment in time, it gave us something we needed and made us happy.
TANGENT: I want to take a moment to say that I've been unfair to The Man From The Plane. I let my anger about the situation taint the experience we had. The truth is, in that moment in time, there was so much shit going on in my life, and The Man From The Plane was a bright spot. His being there, albeit in a limited capacity, helped me navigate a really difficult time. His occasional presence, and e-mails and phone calls helped to ease the journey. It's ok that it didn't last. It's ok that he couldn't be what I needed him to be. He was who he was, and it was what it was. I'm grateful for the experience with him, just the way I'm very grateful for the experience with Captain Blue Steel.
We cannot allow outcomes to change experiences.If for a moment in time, something or someone made us happy, let's leave that piece of time alone, let's allow it to stay crystallized forever for the beauty and happiness and joy that it brought into our lives, and not give in to the temptation to dismiss it - to smash it - just because it didn't turn out how we thought it would.
I'm really grateful that I met Captain Blue Steel. And it's been a ton of fun to wonder and analyze. I analyze all of my experiences, because if I have a personal motto, it is this: I SEEK TO UNDERSTAND.
But I'm done now. I might make occasional references to our experience when required to illustrate a point, but it's time to put this baby to bed. By the time I finish this post, it will have been nearly three weeks of Captain Blue Steel in my head, and while that has resulted in some wonderful insights, I've got other things to to think about, and other topics to explore.
I'm ready to let go now, having been changed for the better because of our meeting.
It's all good. It's all a gift. Because it's all GOD.
On my key chain, I have a button from Captain Blue Steel's uniform. I'm keeping it as a reminder of MAGIC; I need to remember that it exists. There are moments that I will forget, I know this. At times, I've been single for years, and during those times, I forget that the magic is real.
So I'm keeping that button to always remember what it feels like to look at someone and feel so alive. To be beside someone and feel comfortable, happy, and safe to be entirely myself. Too often I've allowed men into my life who I felt ambivalent about. But no more.
That little gold button is there to remind me not to settle because magic is real.
I know I'm going to meet an absolutely amazing man one day who will be ready, eager, and available to share his heart and his life with me, because what I seek is seeking me.
(Guess what? What you seek is seeking you too.)
But until then, I need that button.
Some people pass through our lives in a shorter time frame than we had hoped to teach us things they never could have taught us if they stayed.
- instagram@spiritually_centered_1111
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