JUST A THOUGHT: Today I'm Going to Live

 

From: Mr. Gold

Sent: November 27 4:43 PM
To: Jasmin
Subject: Hello!

Hello troublemaker,

How are you? Staying safe?

I’m getting on a plane to London and will call you soon but hope the job, writing and all else is going well.

It’s been a frustrating and difficult few weeks for me…been having really strange dreams.

But there’s light at the end of the tunnel sister.

Let’s just hope it’s the Lord and not an oncoming freight train!

Cheers for now.

Mr. Gold

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From: Jasmin

Sent: November 29 6:03 AM
To: Mr. Gold
Subject: re: Hello!

Mr. Gold! Hello! How are you? It's so very good to hear from you, I've missed you.

London, how lovely. Wish I was there with you, it would be great fun. I love London. Let's visit London together someday, what do you think?

I am well; working through the things that have been holding me back, and bit by bit, day by day, I become more of myself. And since I know for a fact that I'm an absolute DELIGHT, then this is a rather wonderful thing. How blessed am I, and how blessed the world is, to have more of me. ;)

I'm very sorry to hear about your strange dreams, I do hope they get better soon. Are they perhaps a call to action in some way? Is it indicative of something bubbling on the periphery of your subconscious that wishes to be heard?

The light at the end of the tunnel is coming for all of us Mr. Gold, the only question is when. It's a funny thing about life that we all try to deny: no matter what we do or who we become, none of us are getting out alive.

I woke up at 2:30 this morning and thought to myself "Someday, I am going to die. Probably not today though. Today I'm going to live."

I realize that this sounds morbid, but it really isn't.

You see I've recently realized that I haven't been fully engaged in the act of living. There's a line from the James Joyce book Dubliners that says "Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body."

I feel that way, that I've been existing apart from life, but not fully engaged in it. Dipping in and out of the experience of aliveness, but never being fully present with it.

But I've decided I want to live in a way where I feel that I'm a part of what's happening.

I never felt I had a right to be, as though being fully engaged in the act of living was something reserved for the rarefied few who had met certain criteria.

But being alive and engaged in life, in whatever way possible, is for everyone. And in that case, I believe the only question is "What does it mean to ME to be alive?"

On that note, I shall leave you with another quote, this one from the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley "I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul."

You and I have been through a lot in our lives Mr. Gold, but I believe the above is true for both of us: we are unconquerable.

Much love,
Jasmin