I JUST CANNOT ANYMORE WITH THE SELF-REJECTION
So fucking tired.
Tired of trying so hard to control all the variables in my life; trying to figure it all out, trying to find my purpose, trying to be better, trying to be different, trying to achieve.
In a nutshell, I'm absolutely exhausted from trying to get somewhere other than where I am, and to expect myself to be a totally different person when I get there.
My therapist told me last week "Jasmin, stop trying to be someone else" and I burst into tears as I realized how much self-condemnation was part of my inner dialogue.
"Not enough, not enough, you and your life are never enough. Must keep trying, must keep striving, not enough, not enough, NOT ENOUGH."
I blame my childhood (of course) but I also blame hustle culture.
Can I take a quick moment here to say a big FUCK YOU to hustle culture that makes us feel as though we have no right no rest because our lives are ticking away and we MUST BE PRODUCTIVE AT ALL TIMES.
I want to get off that train because it's going so fast that I'm getting whiplash.
I'm living with a hundred different browser tabs open and running in the background at all the times - all of them promising a better me and therefore a better life - and it's draining my battery.
I just can't anymore. I can't.
The need to be constantly busy is often times a maladaptive response to trauma; it's a shield that allows escape from uncomfortable emotions because HOLY CRAP IF I SLOW DOWN I MIGHT HAVE TO FEEL SOME REALLY SCARY SHIT.
I've been doing a lot of feeling lately. Well, all of my life really.
I realize that's a hilarious statement, because as a human being, of course I'm always feeling.
We are ALL ALWAYS feeling. But most of the time we're so disconnected from our feelings that we don't realize we ARE ALWAYS feeling something.
Refusing to acknowledge that we are feeling something doesn't mean we feel nothing; it just means our minds and our hearts are divorced from each other. Depending on how contentious the split was, learning to acknowledge our feelings may or may not be an easy road.
But I digress.
Acknowledging feelings is good.
But excessive navel gazing isn't.
If you've never examined your feelings: please do so. Both for your own well being and that of those around you so that you don't projectile vomit your emotions all over them when triggered. (And yes, this WILL happen because life always triggers whatever is unresolved within us as an invitation to heal.)
But if like me, you've been taking every feeling and holding it under a microscope, observing it, measuring it from every angle, then dissecting it again and again until the specimen is no longer recognizable, then there comes a time to stop.
And that time for me is now.
I just don't have it in me anymore to read yet another book about childhood trauma, or uncover the layers of all the horrible crap my family put me through.
I'm tired of trying to "fix" myself from all of the things that my family told me was wrong with me; what society and media culture tells me is wrong with me.
I'm not perfect. But that doesn't mean I'm not fucking AWESOME.
Take me as I am, or don't take me. It's fine, it's really really fine either way. I'm emotionally so spent that I do not have the energy to muster the strength to give any fucks.
You know what I've been noticing in the last little while? People exist in this world who aren't perfect, and they're HAPPY.
People love them, want to be with them, marry them, hire them EVEN THOUGH THEY AREN'T PERFECT.
But...but...my family told me all of the things that were wrong with me, and said that until I was perfect and fixed myself, I wasn't allowed to be happy, to be loved, or to live a good life...???
That shit is the kind of shit that broken people who secretly hate themselves say to make you feel bad about yourself so that they can control you.
And let's be clear that this applies to families as much as it applies to society as a whole. Consumer society does not benefit from everyone loving themselves because if you love yourself, you won't consume.
Think about it: if you don't think you need to change, you won't buy any products related to changing yourself.
"I'm happy with myself and my life is good enough" does NOT sell anything. (My hairdresser once told me "If everyone was happy with their hair, I'd go out of business.")
It's unhappiness and self-rejection that creates the mechanisms for control - within a family system, and within a capitalistic society.
I'm tired man. So tired.
Tired of not feeling good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, accomplished enough, successful enough.
I JUST CANNOT ANYMORE WITH THE SELF-REJECTION.
Here I am world, take me, or leave me, but I'm getting off this train of self-rejection.
I'm done with the navel gazing.
I am ALIVE and it's time I started living dammit.
Come as you are
As you were
As I want you to be...
Take your time
Choice is yours...